THIS IS MY SOCIAL EXPERIMENT!

My dearest child,

You are, as I've told you time and time again, the greatest thing I've ever done. I never thought I could create something so beautiful, so intelligent, so absolutely self-possessed and confident. You're my old soul trapped in a teenager's body. I keep forgetting you're still so young. Maybe I ask too much of you. I keep forgetting you're trying to have a life, apart from me. You've gotta walk this world on your own someday. But please realize I haven't finished training you yet. Class is still in session, so LISTEN UP!

I don't doubt your smarts. I don't look down on your individuality. I do, however, question your common sense from time to time. Being a badass sometimes means knowing when to walk away from stupid people. You lead, others follow. But you have to know how far to push the institutional envelope, if you know what I mean....let's get through this school year without any more love notes, ok? 

I don't care how many times you or I hear it from your father, your grandmother, your teachers and from the voices inside the toilet....I am not a bad parent. You are my only child. I will raise you as I please. I happen to love you just the way you are. Mouthy, opinionated, smarty-pants? Still love you. Messy, procrastinator, little OCD-ish? Yup. A little disrespectful, snarky, hormonal? Not so much. You are going to turn out fine, despite the naysayers, and you may not please everyone in the process, but you'll be fine. Gay, straight, pink hair, no hair. Community college or Harvard grad. I mean it. So there.

Life doesn't give you lemons. It throws freaking boulders at you. You can't make lemonade with those, much less margaritas. You get hit and you get hit hard. I know you're a tough one, but always remember, Mom loves you. Even if she's sick or PMSing or just wants 5 minutes of silence from the crew. And you're still learning. I think you've already learned the basic concept of rolling with the punches. If I managed to teach that, 75% of my work is done.

I love you, you needy little shoe ho. Now go clean your room.

PS........what's with the tongue thing?