Saturday, September 19, 2009
Not Mentally Healthy......
We've had three crazy days in the ER this week. All beds full. Some beds full of fruitcakes. Sick people. Sick-in-the-head people. People you had to hustle to fly out to Miami before things got ugly. People who wouldn't accept that they were sick, dying, on death's door, but were too BUSY to get treated.
My favorite was the phantom pregnancy. Yes I was pregnant. Yes, I dropped it in the toilet. And flushed. Negative HCG. Negative ultrasound. No bleeding. No physical signs of pregnancy. Yes, this happens to me all the time. Next time, I'll fish it out of the toilet and PROVE to you all I am pregnant. All delivered with that wonderfully flat, blank affect. Lovely. Pregnant women, hold on to your bellies....there's been a lot of home-made C-sections reported lately by women who want babies....your babies!
Then we come to the litigious TIA person, who drinks and smokes crack cocaine, but blames a pill given to him in prison for his TIA's. The jail you spent a month in for.....breaking and entering, possession of *WOW* crack cocaine! There's a conspiracy theory everywhere. He signed papers under false pretenses. Everyone's out to get him. He has things to do at home.....I don't have time to be Baker-Acted! Yes, sir you do. And the police escort at your bedside will cool your heels until you are transferred.
Another lovely contestant happened to swallow a bag of cocaine while being searched. Then refused permission to have the surgeon extract it, saying he would rather die than go to jail, because you know what they do to good-looking boys in jail. Hate to break it to you sweetheart, you're not all that lovely to look at. And even the repeated explanations of a slow painful death by cocaine bag rupture didn't sway you. In a move against the clock, we had to call a judge on a Sunday afternoon and interrupt his daiquiris to get a court order to RUSH you to surgery and save your life. And we still got called every name in the book by you, sweet child. You ARE clueless. You play, you pay!
Lovely lovely patients. Of course they are not all like that. I had a little old guy latch on to my upper arm and attempt to bite me while in the middle of a rectal exam. No dentures, fortunately.....he just gummed me a little. I had to laugh, then he laughed too when I asked him if I tasted good! Such a cutie....love patients like that!
Everyone gets the happy treatment in our ER. Just be NICE to us......we are LOADS of fun! Flirt with us, we will flirt back! Send us flowers (some patients do!) Send us chocolate and we'll love you forever. Buy us lunch and we'll flash you. You get as good as you give.
And after the long shift is over, and you're sitting in the pool having a cocktail...you know that you got your brownie points in for Heaven today. You didn't kill anyone, you tried to do your best, you probably entertained some, irritated others.... and that is the nature of the profession.
Happy weekend from Paradise!!!