Let's hear it for the NIGHT SHIFT!!

I can't help it. Call it circadian rhythms, call it comfy, call it inconvenient to everyone else in my life: I LOVE THE NIGHT SHIFT!!
Always have, always will. No matter that I sleep all day, will probably develop health problems and will live 7 years less according to all the studies. The night shift offers soooo many good things that I have to keep on going back for more. And the night shift in the Keys is nothing but a funshift! Good people working, less traffic, NO SUITS (if you get my drift) and a laid-back atmosphere. Not that it's any less acute at times (you fly people out, you code people, and BOY do you get your share of drunks and psychos!) but it just seems less like work and more like FUN in the wee hours.

When I was married, my husband hated me working nights. Hated to sleep without me, so apparently he slept with several others to teach me a lesson. Sorry, I was absent in class that day. I don't particularly like anyone telling me how and when I can toil at my profession. So when he went on his merry way, and when the TeenQueen was safely ensconced in a faraway land under lock and key, I decided to give it a try once again.

And I'm not sorry.

So I've been happily toiling away from 6pm to 6am, doing tons of overtime because we're so short of personnel (honestly, doesn't someone want to come play with us?) and enjoying every minute of it.

The tourist season is almost over. We've seen the traffic die down after Easter. Still some spring breakers hanging around, but the snowbirds are beginning to fly north again. The weather is beautiful, the water is warming up and the boat is ready to go. We took it out last week and had a wonderful time, so much so that we ran out of gas before getting into our canal. My tan is back, I'm back on the bridge and life has resumed its lazy, sunny direction. I'm happy to be back in Paradise.

The TeenQueen is doing well, in school, making TONS of friends, wearing a uniform and looking incredibly pretty and grown up. I miss her to death, but I make the sacrifice of not having her near knowing she is well and doing well. I love her dearly and the separation has not been easy for me, but maybe she'll thank me one day for having the foresight to change the direction of her life when she was unable or unwilling to do so. She'll be back for a few weeks in the summer and again, we plan to head to Daytona Beach for a week of sun and fun.

And the irrepressible, atomic HB? He landed a job heading up marketing at a local home health agency, so guess who lives in Paradise now? The big house in Miami sits empty again, apart from my weekly trips to work at Mercy Hospital, where I work in PACU. He's now wearing linen pants and short-sleeved tropical shirts to work and thinking about trading in the Porsche for a convertible. How's that for instant adjustment?

I'm home. And so happy to be here. As the TeenQueen would say, "Your fantasy, my reality."

BOOBS IN PARADISE

I have decided I am the shit magnet in the ER this month. Everytime I work, it's wall to wall patients, nut jobs and repeat offenders. And I am the lowest common denominator. It gets bad when everyone, including the lab personnel, see me in the ER and go " .......OH NO..........it's HER!" What did I do to deserve this? Some of the docs are even jokingly asking me when I work next month so they won't schedule on the same day. Funny, you guys...

So we're busy. It's ok, it's not like we have hellish days. Compared to real hospitals, a bad day in our ER is a great day anywhere else. So we see twenty people in a 12 hour shift. I've worked places where 20 people are triaged in an HOUR. Sound familiar? Our problem is we have a running shortage of docs. Our local docs are worked to death. Our part-timers fill in, but they're not in town. They can't just be called if one of the locals is exhausted, needs back-up, or becomes ill, as has happened before. And God forbid, something catastrophic happens, like it did several weeks ago. One of our out-of-town docs had a car accident and broke his hand and wrist, requiring plates/screws etc. Our local doc had worked 24 hours of a very busy shift, and there was no one to replace him. We were lucky to see our first patient at noon, but what if the trend had continued? I felt awful for him.

So if anyone wants to work as an ER physician in PARADISE, please think of us! Great sunsets, lobster benedict for breakfast across the street, a fun bunch of nurses in the ER. We treat our docs well. We feed them. Take them out for cocktails. Lend them boats to go fishing. Babysit their pets. Come on down!!!

Best ER story of the week. If you're unemployed, on Medicaid, on methadone for "chronic pain" issues, you have no business getting a boob job. You equally have no business not doing your follow-up visit for your boob job, taking a ten-day supply of narcotics in 3-4 days, then coming to the ER to get more narcotics because the boob job hurts SOOOOOO much and you're all bruised and could you please give me a note for class because I can't sit at the computer in school with these hurtin' BOOBS! And then fall asleep, stoned out of your mind while the doc is interviewing you........asleep with food in your mouth.

Sometimes I wish I could take pictures.........HIPAAA........I know...........sucks.

Not Mentally Healthy......

We've had three crazy days in the ER this week. All beds full. Some beds full of fruitcakes. Sick people. Sick-in-the-head people. People you had to hustle to fly out to Miami before things got ugly. People who wouldn't accept that they were sick, dying, on death's door, but were too BUSY to get treated.

My favorite was the phantom pregnancy. Yes I was pregnant. Yes, I dropped it in the toilet. And flushed. Negative HCG. Negative ultrasound. No bleeding. No physical signs of pregnancy. Yes, this happens to me all the time. Next time, I'll fish it out of the toilet and PROVE to you all I am pregnant. All delivered with that wonderfully flat, blank affect. Lovely. Pregnant women, hold on to your bellies....there's been a lot of home-made C-sections reported lately by women who want babies....your babies!

Then we come to the litigious TIA person, who drinks and smokes crack cocaine, but blames a pill given to him in prison for his TIA's. The jail you spent a month in for.....breaking and entering, possession of *WOW* crack cocaine! There's a conspiracy theory everywhere. He signed papers under false pretenses. Everyone's out to get him. He has things to do at home.....I don't have time to be Baker-Acted! Yes, sir you do. And the police escort at your bedside will cool your heels until you are transferred.

Another lovely contestant happened to swallow a bag of cocaine while being searched. Then refused permission to have the surgeon extract it, saying he would rather die than go to jail, because you know what they do to good-looking boys in jail. Hate to break it to you sweetheart, you're not all that lovely to look at. And even the repeated explanations of a slow painful death by cocaine bag rupture didn't sway you. In a move against the clock, we had to call a judge on a Sunday afternoon and interrupt his daiquiris to get a court order to RUSH you to surgery and save your life. And we still got called every name in the book by you, sweet child. You ARE clueless. You play, you pay!

Lovely lovely patients. Of course they are not all like that. I had a little old guy latch on to my upper arm and attempt to bite me while in the middle of a rectal exam. No dentures, fortunately.....he just gummed me a little. I had to laugh, then he laughed too when I asked him if I tasted good! Such a cutie....love patients like that!

Everyone gets the happy treatment in our ER. Just be NICE to us......we are LOADS of fun! Flirt with us, we will flirt back! Send us flowers (some patients do!) Send us chocolate and we'll love you forever. Buy us lunch and we'll flash you. You get as good as you give.

And after the long shift is over, and you're sitting in the pool having a cocktail...you know that you got your brownie points in for Heaven today. You didn't kill anyone, you tried to do your best, you probably entertained some, irritated others.... and that is the nature of the profession.

Happy weekend from Paradise!!!

xoxoxo

Mojitogirl

The Q WORD

Finally getting some downtime in the ER. After a whirlwind of activity in there since before mini-lobster season, it has finally toned down ( and NO-the Q-WORD will not be used!) to where we're actually cruising through the day without much hoopla. It's been nice to the point that you can actually go out and pick up lunch, then come back and eat. That all 6 rooms aren't full at the same time, that stupid stuff isn't coming through the door every two minutes. We need a break before high season begins again.

The same goes for the town. Everybody's talking about the next two DEAD months. I've actually been out and about in town and the place is pretty empty except for the locals. The other day I had the pool at Tranquility Bay practically to myself. Which wasn't bad, since I was not in the greatest of moods and I just needed a quiet place to think, carry on conversations in my head and try not to scream in frustration at things that weren't going well. Even that has passed, and now I'm in full JOY mode again, doing the things I love to do without interruption or prior commitments. Even work is fun again when you don't have to rush home to SERVE the NEEDY....

I took a walk last night on the old Seven Mile Bridge while the sun went down and the moon came up over the water. I usually do morning walks before it gets too hot, but yesterday I missed my morning window of opportunity and decided to do it at night. As I stood on the bridge at dusk, listening to my IPOD, I couldn't help looking around at the beauty of the place, where I was standing, over the water, under the moon. I had to thank God out LOUD for the opportunity to be here. For the chance to savor this beauty before me. For the moment that I was living HERE. NOW. Even though I might not be here tomorrow, I was here today and I experienced ocean, sky, moon, sunset and profound JOY. And no matter how dire any situation was, I would be OK. And I am.


For those of you interested in the fishing report, snapper and swordfish are running in droves. Lobster is EVERYWHERE. If you can fish, you don't need to buy your source of protein. The weather is great, the hurricanes have for the most part stayed away, and the seas are calm. It's still hot, but we're crawling towards October already. Next weekend is Labor Day, and I'm OFF for 8 days. I'm having friends come into town and there will be a lot of fish tales to be made!

In the meantime, I swim in the afternoon at Tranquility Bay, walk the bridge, go to the beach, keep up with my friends, keep the TeenQueen on task, and plan my winter jaunt to Macchu Picchu. And work to pay the bills. Ok, it's not all fun.

Have a great weekend, wherever you may find yourselves


XOXOXO from PARADISE.

It's Jim Cantore Time!!!

It's a rainy day in Paradise.

So much for the weekend. Hurricane season is in full swing and our first taste of it is coming down in buckets in the form of Tropical Storm Ana. It's gray, overcast and pouring rain. So much for jaunting over to Key West, sitting by the pool and generally having a merry old time this weekend. I knew the boating situation was shot, since we have a small craft advisory all weekend. But hell, I don't want to be stuck INDOORS all weekend! Even if HB is home! I've got a killer work week coming up and I need RAYS!

We finally caught some lobsters the other day. And some great fish. We've been feeding our friends tasty ceviche, fish chowder and other concoctions. I even turned down fish last night.....for the first time in my life. No thanks, I think I'll have french toast for dinner. I'm all fished out!

The ER has been slow but steady. Lots of lacerations and pustulent abscesses lately. No more middle of the night bowel resections either, thank goodness. That's getting old real quick. The cool thing about my job is that I can pretty much do anything ANYWHERE in the clinical areas, so people pull me for emergencies, and that breaks up the monotony of the day. Yesterday I got pulled to the OR because one of the nurses was running a little late coming in for a call-back. So I got the patient into the surgical area, prepped him, did his paperwork, got him into the OR and was back in the ED in time to give report and get OUT! I like doing that sometimes. Key West keeps calling for shifts too, and I can't afford to turn them down at this time. Money is getting a little tight in Paradise, and we still have at least 3 months of slow season before we pick up again.

On a cool note, had a pretty gruesome propeller accident the other day. Almost total degloving of a leg, It looked like something out of a Terminator movie, when Arnold takes his skin off and you can see the titanium endoskeleton underneath. Lots of bare tendons, tib-fib and a pulsating pedal pulse like a little water balloon. Patient was driven from the boat to the dock to the ED, so TraumaStar wasn't called until he got to us, but we still managed to get the patient choppered out in 45 minutes. Very cool! It was an impressive wound, and I heard from the chopper crew that even the staff at the trauma center were impressed with the wound when they saw it. Patient did OK, too. So glad!

I've had a really good offer from HB, my knight in shining armor. He owns a beautiful home in Miami, two hours away. He's offered to move me up there, no expenses, just work and make money. I have lots of agency work up there, probably more work than here. The TeenQUeen's schooling wouldn't be an issue, since she's now homeschooling via computer. There's just one sticking point: I HATE MIAMI!! I would have to leave my beloved Keys. Not be near the ocean. I'm not starving yet. I appreciate the fact that he wants us together and that he spends lots of time here, but he also needs a home base. His house is empty most of the time when he's here. And eventually the travel is going to get to him, even though he LOVES it here. He practically grew up here and has fished and dived most of the upper Keys.

Dilemma. I have a cushy job. It's expensive to live here. I love the Keys. I hate traffic. I HATE MIAMI.

I'll keep working reaallll hard!! I am ocean. I'd be miserable in Miami. This is where I want to be. Even with the prospect of a beautiful home and being a kept woman, I still balk. I guess anyone else would be jumping at the opportunity. But I'd rather be poor (or semi-poor!) and independent in a place where I love than be well-kept and happy (?) in a place I hate.

Oh, well. It's raining outside. Time for some indoor sports!

AT A SNAIL'S PACE

Ah, the ER in off-season. It is a joy to be there. Empty rooms, quiet hallways. The occasional stir of a drunk or drug seeker. Sunburns as medical emergencies. Quietly punctuated by the patient who comes in for "cold symptoms" and is in full florid CHF.

I tell you, they just walk in and say "I have a cold. I can't sleep at night because I can't breathe." Never mind that they smoke 2 packs a day, or that they haven't seen a doctor in YEARS or that they're coughing up black goop from their lungs. But the fun starts when you start a nebulizer treatment and their heart rate shoots up into the 180's, put them on the monitor and it's A-FIB, and suddenly they're huffing and puffing. Start the Cardizem, etc, etc. No cardiologist on call? It's time to FLY!!

Or when they sign in and say "I've got a terrible headache." Ok, let's give you some drugs, check out the CT. An hour later, the headache is still there, but now you're complaining of chest pain, midsternal, radiating to the left arm, suddenly relieved by 2 Nitro sublingual. Where the hell did THAT come from? Oh, and he forgets to mention the old meningioma on that side of the head that was gamma-knifed several years back. Yeah, we kind of picked up that one on the MRI. Whoops! forgot to tell us about it, huh?

So one patient flies to Miami. One patient gets admitted. And the sunburn with the horrible itching goes home and is warned, under penalty of DEATH, not to go out in the sun again for the rest of his vacation stay here. Surrrre.......

I wonder if I could get the nail technician to do a house-call (work-call?). Maybe I could get a manicure/pedicure between patients. Or pick up my dry-cleaning, or do grocery shopping. Twelve hours of this laid-back pace could kill.

I miss the juicy traumas. I need to wrestle a drunk or something. One shift in Key West should resolve the old ennui.

Scratch that, I might break a nail.

NEW TO THE SCENE

I'm talking about FACEBOOK. I joined several months ago just to connect with friends I haven't seen in years, from college, high school and places where I've worked during my ever-lengthier nursing career (WOW! almost 20 years now!). Little by little, I started connecting and now it's kind of got a life of its own! I've got friends from the hospital in Marathon, friends from the hospital in Key West, friends from Miami, Daytona Beach and friends from Peru and Cuba. Since I live so isolated here in Paradise, at least this way we keep in touch and stay current. It's a lot of fun and the easiest way to not live like a hermit.

Our ER visits are starting to trickle down to slow again. Essentially the season is over, and the tourists and snowbirds have up and gone, since it's safe to walk the streets up north without slipping on the ice. The air conditioner is now a daily reality because it's WARMING UP. The mornings are still balmy and breezy--as a matter of fact, I took the dog for a walk on the old Seven Mile bridge at 0845 today and it was absolutely beautiful outside. Blue sky, blue ocean, nice breeze-PARADISE the way it's supposed to be. Our next big thing should be the Memorial Day weekend (which I ended up working, I DON'T know HOW....!!)

Anyway the boat is in the water, and I've got someone tuning it up for me today so it will sail smoothly for the summer months. We have islands and sandbars to explore! We have tans to acquire! We have fish to fry! And since it's now a GIRL BOAT, the girls are dying to go out and take a spin! It's time the boat had a name. So the TeenQueen and I are putting our heads together to come up with a suitable name for our tanning machine. GRRLZ? GRRLPOWER? MOJITOGIRL?

The TeenQueen is leaving me soon for a short vacation. She'll be in Peru for several weeks visiting her father and his side of the family. Mom will not be running interference. She would have stayed longer, but she wants to be back in the Keys for part of the summer. Anyway, it will be a climate change for her, because Peru is entering the winter months right now and the TeenQueen owns no winter clothes whatsoever. Shorts, flipflops, tee shirts and jeans. No sweaters, no coats, very few socks. And I've already told her she can't wear socks with flipflops.

And what's MOM going to do with her time off? Tell u LATER.....

XOXOXO from Paradise!

I've been sooo busy lately my tan is starting to fade.

Between ICU and PACU in Key West, ER in Marathon, on-call in PACU Marathon and shuffling around to the beat of a certain TeenQueen, I've been a busy little Mojo. Not exhausted really, because no matter how early I'm up, once I'm UP, I'm UP! and I keep going from there. And I've noticed in my advancing age that 6 hours of sleep do me fine, thank you. One plus is that I'm dropping weight without even trying. I fit into clothes that I had given up on months before (yes I was in a FAT/UNHAPPY stage). I'll never be stick-thin like the TeenQueen, but hey, size 8 is nothing to sneer at either!

The Swine Flu situation has us scurrying at the hospital. Everyone we triage is thoroughly screened for previous travel to affected areas, and if there's even a hint of cough, cold or flu-like symptoms, slap a mask on them! One of our ER docs here is the CDC man for the Keys, and he is extremely well-versed in pandemic preparation and planning. Finally I have someone that doesn't look at me like I have three heads when we talk stockpiling, sheltering in place, body bags, ventilator capacity and the breakdown of supply chains and law and order. While I admit that I am not as prepared for a pandemic as I was three years ago in the midst of the Avian Flu rumors, I still read the websites for pandemic preparedness as well as the CDC and WHO sites. As usual, I hope for the best and expect the worst. Even though we are isolated, we're still exposed to lots of tourists and transients who come through here. On any given day, I triage more tourists than locals, and usually tourists that have been on an airplane, those harbingers of pesky respiratory viruses. Thank God I look smashing in an N-95 mask!

The weather has been beautiful, but the seas are still difficult due to winds in excess of 20MPH. So even the beach has not been an option lately. Thank goodness for Tranquility Bay Resort, which is right across the street on the Overseas Highway Mile Marker 48. It is a beautiful beachfront resort with a great pool and tiki bar, and they are very nice to the locals in that you can come in, use the pool and the facilities. It is absolutely awesome. I might even put in some pool time today, if I can.

Stone crab season in the Keys is almost over. I have my last 5 pounds in the freezer, just waiting for a special occasion, or even no occasion whatsoever. It's been a tough season for the local fishermen, with demand and prices low. So we do our part for the local economy and buy stone crabs whenever we can!

The Mojo signs off now. Time to scurry and maybe even dig out the Hawaiian Tropic!

Going back home again

I finally got back to working in Key West this week. Picked up a PACU shift Tuesday and an ICU shift Wednesday. It was nice to be home again, among friends. And it was all so effortless! You just came in, did what you had to do and kind of picked up from where you left off the last time. At the same time, since the departments know I'm now available again, they call and call for me to pick up sick-calls, for extra staffing. I say "no" more than I can say "yes". I still work full-time somewhere else, you guys!

Still, it's nice to be wanted.

Maybe next time I work ICU I'll get my vent, my drips and a patient who's circling the drain. My kind of day. ARRGH!!!! (no really!).

The weather is beautiful here this weekend. Unfortunately, the winds are strong and taking the boat out isn't an option. Rip currents are making the beach a little dicey, too. But the windows are open and the breeze is flowing through the house. It's a perfect day to take Bumby on a walk on the 7 Mile bridge right before sunset.

I've decided to move when my lease is up. The current house is beautiful, new and very centrally located, but it has two distinct disadvantages: it's three stories high and has no dock. All I do all day is climb up and down and up and down. Plus, it is now too big for us. Don't need 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, just more to clean. Plus I really miss having the boat parked outside ready to go. It's in a marina now, which is extra expense, but necessary to keep it safe. So I've been looking and I found exactly what I want. A cute little dollhouse with 2 bedrooms and a dock. One story. Tiled. Pet friendly. And still close to work. And cheaper than what I have now. Move in date is end of July. I'm not looking forward to another pack-up-and-go, but the end result will be worth it.

So life in Paradise goes on. It's never boring. And if it gets a little stressful, nothing like a sunset to clear your head.

EXTRA SHIFT REDUX

In all fairness, I really can't complain about the extra shifts. They may be time-consuming, but at the same time, remember where I am. The work isn't that acute. 20 hours of overtime a week with only 2 extra shifts isn't a bad deal. Especially when I'm doing different stuff. ER is the day job. PACU and ICU are the extras. A finger in every pie. Can't get bored like that! Plus who doesn't have a few extra bills to pay or need new tires or a vacation down the line? Or a chronically needy and broke TeenQueen?

And yes.....I could be on the boat. But let me let you in on a little secret about the Florida Keys--It's windy in the winter and spring. The skies are beautiful but........The sea is a little rougher than what I'd like. Once it kicks up 3-5 foot waves, it's barf-o-mania for me. You northern folk, hardy like you are, will go out and make a day of it. I'm a little spoiled.....

Am I the poster child for Cymbalta?

I'm in desperate need of sea air and tanning oil, not to mention some inner peace and relaxation.

I'm taking the rest of the week off. Mental health days, as far as I'm concerned. There has been too much stress and excitement of the negative variety for the past month, starting with Thanksgiving. And since the surgical schedule is zilch, the hospital wants us to cut down on hours and the weather is absolutely beautiful, it seems like a great time to skip work and go!

The boat is in the water, docked at a friend's house. New Year's is right around the corner. And there is nothing less stressful than being on the water with good weather, blue seas and a light breeze. Nothing to do and all day to do it. No TeenQueen at home (she's with her father for the rest of the holidays). No dreaded anticipation of the next tantrum, argument or waiting for the inevitable "next shoe" to drop. Just Papi and Bumby and I, exploring the nearest sand bar.

Note to tourists in the Keys: It is high season for Portuguese man-of-war, those beautifully pesky jellyfish. Their stings are exquisitely painful, as a patient found out today when he tangled one in his face. Look before you swim. Or you'll get to see me during a side trip that wasn't on your itinerary. Be careful. Have someone scout the waters before you enter. And I know from personal experience, even the smallest amount of contact burns like hell.

Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. But sometimes when you have too much on your plate, getting up in the morning is hard. Getting dressed is hard. Being civil is hard. Work is only so entertaining. I need a break.

I'm looking forward to New Year's Eve in Key West. A little zaniness can't hurt.

THERE ARE SOME THINGS I WON'T DO.........

I want to put out a question to see if I can get any feedback or information. I work in a small rural hospital that has a 6 bed ICU. Actual ICU cases are few and far between, so they aren't well-staffed. As a trained ICU nurse, I work in another department, but I am being pressured to float to the ICU as the SOLE PRACTITIONER in the unit. No secretary, no aide, no other nurse but myself. The DON's rationale is that the M/S nursing station is only steps away. I am used to working in large ICU's with complex patients, but there's always been other nurses around and ancillary personnel. I feel very uncomfortable and have stated that this is not a safe environment for a solo practitioner, to no avail. I've looked at the AACN standards of practice but have been unable to find anything specific to address the issue.

I have told the DON that I would be happy to float to the ICU anytime as part of a team, with another nurse there-not alone. I frequently float to the ER, so floating isn't the issue. Staffing is, and I feel trapped. Any suggestions?


Now, this is the story behind the story:

This is the question I put out to various nursing forums. It basically explains the situation I've found myself lately. I had a sit-down conference with my DON today. Basically I was told to "shut up and stop saying I felt it was unsafe situation". NO WAY! No amount of walking the political line will EVER make me do something that jeopardizes my license. Especially when someone makes little veiled threats (no, let's call it an OVERT THREAT) about contacting the state board of nursing AND IPN (the impaired nurses intervention program) regarding the little incident from Thanksgiving (you know-my little overnight stay in the slammer courtesy of the TeenQueen).

The Florida Nurse Practice Act actually reads that the reportable offense is "Having been found GUILTY of, regardless of adjudication, or entered a plea of nolo contendere or guilty to, any offense
prohibited under Section 435.03, F.S., or under any similar statute of another jurisdiction; or having committed an act
which constitutes domestic violence as defined in Section 741.28, F.S. " (Don't fuck with me, I can research and read too!)


NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO FREAKING WAY!!!!!!!

I've tried to access AACN's website regarding staffing standards in the ICU, to no avail. I can't seem to find ANYTHING that says you can't be the only nurse in ICU. At the same time, I can't seem to find anything that says it's OK, either. Any help would be appreciated, if you happen to have any of these references handy. I'm well versed in ASPAN's standards of practice, but I'm hitting a wall with this.

This just makes work SUCK. We're in the middle of a regime change-the hospital is being bought out and going nonprofit. The atmosphere is tense, and the present management knows they are pretty much on borrowed time. Add to that the current crappy economic situation, and everybody's on the verge of going postal. They've changed our hours from 4 ten-hour shifts to 5 8-hour shifts to save money (......where?), they count the minutes to make sure you're productive until you check out, and of course, NO OVERTIME and MUCHO FLOATING.

Thank God for the ER! I can work 3 12 hour shifts, do my hours in 3 days, then DISAPPEAR! I love the ER. My docs are great, the staff is nice, and no DRAMA, except the clinical variety.

As I said, any help on the information highway is greatly appreciated!

Thanks

WHO YA GONNA CALL?

Overheard behind a patient's curtain in the ER:

Patient: My back hurts and I can hardly walk. My prescription for Dilaudid is out, but my doctor's out of town until next week. I hate my husband, and one of these days I swear I'm going to kill him.

Doc: How long have you had this back pain?

Patient: My husband is the spawn of Satan. I hate him and one of these days he'll end up with his throat slit. Too bad my back hurts so much I can hardly walk.

Doc: Ma'am, what does your husband have to do with your back pain?

Patient: He causes the back pain with his mind. I'm going to kill him because he messes with my mind!

Doc: Are you saying your husband is the cause of your back pain?

Patient: I hurt so much, I can't walk, and I'm going to kill him!

Doc: (After a long, thoughtful pause)..........Have you thought of hiring a HUSBAND WHISPERER? He whispers in your husband's ear and his behavior improves......

Patient: Do you really think he could help me with my husband? I'll try anything, and my back hurts so much I can't walk over and kill him whenever he acts up.

Doc: It works like a charm. Wait here while I go get his number (and fill out your Baker Act form, since you have homicidal ideations and are delusional).


Every woman should have the HUSBAND WHISPERER'S phone number in her PDA.

FANTASYFEST FUN IN THE ER

One of our main events in Key West is FantasyFest, a week long, sunshine-filled bacchanalia of booze and undressed states, fetish parties, body painting and (did I mention?) costumed and uncostumed creatures. This year was a less populated event, probably because of the state of the economy, but still loud and racy enough to keep us a little busy. Due to my dislike of drunken crowds, I chose to work and free up the ER staff to go have some fun, figuring I'd still catch a piece of the action, even while indoors. I was right.

Friday night was a yawner. No different than any other night. We considered ourselves lucky we weren't running around all night. We even planned to have a nap list set up for the next night if things kept up. HaHa......

Saturday night arrives. Same crew, same ER doc, our own Dr. Sugardaddy, who kept us old broads plied with chocolate and food to keep the estrogenation factor content. We saw our patient, collected beads from the family members who were in the ER, and even had time to order from Outback courtesy of the nurse manager (Thanks Sandy!). Then after midnight......they started rolling in..........

THE DRUNKS.....in all their gorgeous varieties! Happy drunks, anxious drunks, sleepy drunks, puky drunks, the regular drunks. Add to that the hallucinating folks, who were seeing leprechauns darting through the doorway and bright colored lights streaming through the cosmos.A couple of ankle injuries, people falling off their high heeled stripper boots or smashing their toes on objects unseen. The panic attack chick who, when not getting your full attention, would FLING herself out of bed to the floor and scream....not once, not twice, but 3 times. We finally sat some police officers who were there taking a police report for someone ELSE at her door and she stopped. Major drama queen. Lots of fights, lots of laceration suture-ups. Two traumas that luckily managed to be discharged and walked out, despite the possibilty of major injuries.

Oh, and in the middle of the excitement, our computer program for charting goes on the fritz and don't have access to ANYTHING! We must revert to paper for anything coming in and do the input later on when the computers come back. Thank goodness they were only down for 2 hours.

Everytime we took a break and sat outside at the ambulance bay, by magic, another EMS truck would appear....we decided to skip the outdoors after a while.

At 6AM, someone asked, "So who's first on the nap list?" At least no one got hurt, no one wrestled anyone else, no one died and we all got beads!

The unanswered question of the night is, "Where did your jeans and underwear go between the time of the accident and the time EMS picked you up?" We'd really like to know!

Just another night in Paradise.

Parting Gift

A guy shows up with two friends at the triage desk. None of the three look sick. One of them says he's a tourist and he's been stung by a scorpion. One of his friends carries a shoebox which has the mortal remains of a large black scorpion. All three look nervous. I take a look at the victim's hand, and reassure him that the local scorpions aren't poisonous, but can cause painful stings. I tell him that if he isn't allergic, the hand is going to be sore and that's it.

One of his friends pipes up, "So he isn't going to die today?"

Nope, I assure him. But I tell him there's no hope for the scorpion.

They leave. And they leave the dead scorpion in the box in the waiting area.

Thanks guys. I hate scorpions.

On the other hand, Papi and I had an abbreviated work day today. Not our doing...we had 2 surgical cases, one was cancelled, and we were done by 11:30 AM. So what's a department to do? We all went to the Hurricane, a local watering hole near the hospital to have lunch! We closed up the OR, and chowed down for awhile, which killed another hour of a beautiful day. The season is changing. The oppressive heat and mugginess is starting to disappear. It's breezy, clear and beautiful. Almost time for the Official OPEN THE WINDOWS AND TURN OFF THE AC DAY!

So what do you do on abbreviated work days? Three guesses........................when there's water, water everywhere!

Prepping for the BIG WEEKEND!

I did my first ER shift in 2 months today!

Surgery was slow, and I volunteered to work the ER at my new hospital. Not a stretch, since it's less busy than Key West and we're on the same computerized documentation system. I had a pleasant day, worked with really nice nurses and a very personable ER doc, plus......I warmed up for the main event: I'm working back at Key West's ER for FANTASYFEST!!!

For those who don't know, FantasyFest is a combination of Mardi Gras, Brazilian Carnaval and a free-for-all bacchanalia. A week of costumes, body paint, booze and excess which descends on Key West for a week at the end of October. Hotels are packed, the party never ends, and it's usually very busy in the ER.

I volunteered to work two night shifts on the main party nights. It's the closest I want to get to the party without actually being a part of it. Papi's kind of pissed at me because he wanted to go and I volunteered to work. Hell, I'm not dressing up, I have three drinks and need Zofran, and have no need or inclination to mix with the drunken masses. I really don't see the charm of throwing up on people's shoes, peeing in the bushes or exposing your genitalia to a perfect stranger or a throng of perfect strangers on Duval St. Some people have no business showing off their bodies. Some acts of exposure are absolutely criminal.

The sideshow in the ER is enough for me, thanks. Plus, I don't want the TeenQueen getting any IDEAS about attending the celebration. She's been behaving lately, so life is good.

Happy Friday to all! More stories next week on how the party ends up at the ER's doorstep!

WHERE HAS THE MOJO BEEN?

Where have I been? I seemed to have lost track of time. It's only because the TeenQueen looked at the blog and exclaimed, "MOM! Why haven't you posted lately?" that I realized that there's no juicy stories to tell. No tales of crazy nights in the ER. Just the slow hum of sedated patients waking up from their procedures, the endless tasks of total joint replacement, the uncertainty of being on call and sleeping with the beeper under your pillow.

MAN, AM I BORED! and probably boring to boot. Hence, the lack of posts.

On the other hand, Papi and I have been back in the water lately. After the storms, we needed to back to the sea. I was craving sunlight and Hawaiian Tropic and salty ocean air. We've had awesome weather lately, so we finally got out to Money Key--these are the three little islands that are visible right off the Seven Mile Bridge, accessible by water only. Even Bumby went out and enjoyed swimming around. Picked up some awesome conch shells, snorkeled around and had a good old time!

But things are looking up.....I've booked several ER shifts for October! In addition to Key West PACU shifts, which are plentiful, I get to play in the ER during FantasyFest, which is the BIG event here in October! I can't wait to get back into the action again!

I've got a birthday coming up. Papi won't tell me what he's planning. TeenQueen's Homecoming dance is the same night. She managed to finagle a great dress and shoes from her father in Miami and she looks awesome in it. Hopefully she won't mess things up and be grounded before the dance. She even has a DATE and everything! I'll post pictures later....

EPILOGUE TO A STORM

We're still in the midst of tropical storm winds. Since last night it's been howling and the wind and debris have been hitting the side of the house. Between rain bands, it's still windy. Walking the dog has been a humorous high point, since she only weighs 4 pounds and sometimes the wind seems to almost lift her off the ground. She's not amused. In fact she's been hiding under the covers and staying close to me all day. Just a little spooked.

The residents have been advised to stay off the roads all day. There was a part of the Overseas Highway this morning that was flooded and impassable. Near the same area, a big rig overturned due to the high winds. There were also some tornado warnings, but mostly in the Upper Keys area, where they've been experiencing the outer bands.

Parts of Key West are flooded, like the south end of Duval St. and Southernmost Point, where the "90 miles to Cuba" buoy is located. Party town that it is, the bars are open, but the ER wasn't opening until 7PM tonight. Where did all the lost souls go when we were closed? I would love to be there tonight, even as a fly on the wall to see what the cat drags in!

All that anxiety that was built up......how anticlimactic an ending...I guess it's back to work tomorrow. No loss of life or property, only a few flying coconuts, mucho Weather Channel and NOAA website checks.

Paradise should be back to normal very soon!

IT'S A BAD DAY WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING A VISIT FROM THIS GUY

I'm packed and ready to GO!

Tourist evacuations begin today. Resident evacuations start tomorrow. Patients are being discharged, and those too sick to go home are being airlifted by the Navy transport plane as far away as Alabama. The surgery department is closed for the next week, but (YIPPIE YIPPIE YEAH BABY!) I'll get to work in the ER again once the danger has passed (it will also put an end to the withdrawal symptoms and the heavy sighing every time I pass the ED doors!).

The plan is to drive to Daytona Beach and ride out the storm. I mean, really, what's the use of having a house if you're not going to use it, at least for a hurricane shelter? I already have my "Keys Re-entry Permit" so they'll let me back in if it's a mess down there. Everybody's scattering to the far winds. I personally don't care about losing all my things, it's happened before and in the end, they're only THINGS, they are replaceable. But a lot of my coworkers may not have even a home to come back to, and the mood is quite bleak, to say the least.

IKE has taken a slight southern turn, but not enough to put us out of danger. So we prepare...........AND WE WAIT.

PS: Papi's idea of preparation? Seasoning a 15 pound turkey for tonight and seasoning a pork roast--just in case we need to go, we'll have a good supper with our friends beforehand. I'm not nagging him about the shutters this time. I'm not everybody's MOMMY around here.

HIGH AND DRY ONCE MORE

SORRY ABOUT the delay in posting. The hurricane scare is over, the wind and rain have died down and the MOJO has been heavily involved in that favorite American pastime: ORGANIZING HER HOUSEHOLD. That being in addition to starting a new job, coordinating school/bus/cheerleading practice for the TeenQueen, making dinner, doing tons of laundry and collapsing exhausted in bed, only to do it ALL over again a few hours later! My feet scream bloody murder, I'm out of Advil, and if I have to climb another flight of stairss (I have 3 stories!) I'm just going to crumple in place.

But otherwise, life is good.

Work, as predicted, is underwhelming. A nice, friendly environment to work in, very cute and cozy and above all, A SAFE WORKING ENVIRONMENT. No charging psychos or drunks. We had a little incident the last week I worked in the ER in which an MD had a part of his anatomy bitten off by a patient while RIGHT THERE in the unit. I kid you not. And then the patient swallowed said piece of anatomy and they were unable to reattach it. He would have made Hannibal Lecter proud. It's not even funny because he was MY patient a few nights before and that could have been any one of us!

I used to rant about scorpions when I moved here. I haven't seen a scorpion yet in Marathon, but there's a new little ugly creature that pops up everywhere and torments me to no end: the crabs. Big orange crabs that pop out of everywhere, can slide under your door and only live to hound me. As you can guess, I don't like them. Terrified is more like it. And they're EVERYWHERE!!

Switching to day shift is not a piece of cake after a year of night shift. By 4pm I'm tired. By 7pm I'm a zombie. I guess I'll adjust.

I walked home today. It took 5 minutes. It was great. If it weren't 90 degrees outside, I'd probably do it more often.

So such is life these days. I must give you the lowdown on those last ER days, as soon as my house is in order. But no, we haven't blown away. We just haven't had the time to gaze at the sunset lately. But tomorrow is Friday and the weekend begins....