Let's do a little digging.........

Many years ago I heard a joke about marriage that was a bit shocking in its cynicism. It went something like this:

At the beginning of a marriage, sex happens anytime/anywhere: Halls, bathroom, kitchen, bedroom. After things cool down, it gets regularly scheduled in the bedroom, with an occasional foray into the kitchen and bathroom. Toward the end of the marriage, the sex becomes the "F**K YOU" you utter to each other as you pass them in the hall, bathroom, kitchen or bedroom.

Interesting concept, I was thinking about while getting my nursing paperwork in order last night. When I began to get ready to do travel assignments, I filled out a bazillion applications and reference sheets, then proceeded to notify the people I was to use for references that they MIGHT have a reference request coming their way. Oh, did they ever!! My undying gratitude to Fe, Kathy and Silvia, who probably needed a personal assistant to handle the influx of correspondence.

My point is, MY REFERENCES WERE CHECKED. And probably rechecked, cross-matched and fed into the FBI database to make sure I wasn't some nutcase, serial killing, drug-diverting loose cannon with a nursing license. These companies went the extra mile to make sure that I was the RIGHT person for the TEMPORARY job they wanted to fill. Such thoroughness stuck in my mind. Now, do we check this much when we make a permanent commitment in marriage?

We meet, we fall in love, we get to know each other, we make plans. But how much do we check? Other than observing behavior and relying on our friends and family to give an opinion, HOW MUCH DO YOU REALLY KNOW ABOUT YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE? Did you get a background check? Too cold and clinical for some. Do you trust your friends' opinions? Your parents' opinion. Their parents' opinion. Did you have lunch with his ex?

Probably none of the above. And you are about to make the ultimate commitment. The person you wish to (and expect to) spend the rest of your life with, share the raising of your children with, buy real estate with, hope to share good and bad experiences in sickness and in health. How do you know that this person, who probably looks good if you were to print their attributes on a resume, maybe looks too good to be real?

Marriage is hard work in itself. People grow and change, and sometimes in different directions. Many times it is difficult to reconcile personal growth and keep a union together. Change is a necessary, but unsettling agent. How an individual accepts and reacts to change is really important as a predictor of future behavior. How they deal with stress, money, family problems, responsibility, obnoxious noises and small animals. All tell-tale signs of the future to come.

So, back to the references issues, how much DO WE REALLY KNOW? Or is it a case of HOW MUCH DO WE REALLY WANT TO KNOW?

You can ask your friends' opinions. Maybe they are the type of people who don't have a lick of sense, or don't have your best interests in mind. Same for his friends. Parents are iffy, too. What if you have a sane parent who gives you a bad reference or a crazy parent that gives you a good reference? My vote is on the EX. If anyone can give you an unvarnished opinion, this is the person to do it. Good, bad or indifferent, this is a person who was in the trenches, and can give you the real insight into the big picture (or the small one). Remember what is at stake here. Plus, wouldn't you jump at the chance to sit before the ex in a public place and be forced to be civil to one another?

Do you want to marry Mr. or Ms. Perfect (no references checked) and then see them turn into boiling pots of crap when you differ on child care philosophy? Or worse, have to share custody with them? Do you want to hitch your wagon to Mr. I'm-nice-to-little-old-ladies-and-small-animals, when in private he treats you like you are subhuman chattel? Do you question other's motives when they tell you to RUN like hell in another direction from Ms. Perfect? Do you even bother to ask?

And let's not even touch the I CAN FIX IT situation. Fuggettaboutit! You can't fix it. What you don't mind now, will be the 800 pound gorilla later on. Again, how much do you check out? Do you really want to deal with someone with anger issues? A jealous spouse who tracks your every phone call, business or otherwise? Would you hire someone that has a problem keeping his pants on at work? Or has issues with authority and alienates, rather than unifies your work environment? Is it a judgement call? Yes. Now it's a matter of using good or bad judgement.

Hypothetically, we should find a life partner, plan a future and go from there. Nothing is that simple. But how many times have you heard, "yeah I saw it coming. The signs were there." When bad things happen, things become oh-so-clear. Maybe if we treat it like a job search, you might see things in black and white you might have missed otherwise.

Partnering is an ever-present tightrope walk on high heels. You work and compromise, and sometimes you overlook bad things, because in the end the sum is more than the total of the parts. But when the stuff you were indifferent to starts hitting you in the face again and again, when things are more mediocre than good, or when your answer to bad behavior is just ignoring it altogether, you're slipping into trouble. You can apply these principles both in the workplace and at home. And when you're leaning more toward "leave it" on the TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT scale, you know things are about to crash. Loud or silent, it's just a matter of time.

In any case, give my regards to your spouse as you pass them in the hall.

PS I LOVE YOU BUMBY!

woof WOOF woof WOOF woof woof

In my dreams, my BUMBY is being stalked by the Killer Flamingos.




I'm awake. I'M AWAKE! IT'S TOO PRETTY OUTSIDE TO BE SLEEPING!!!!

So after a less than busy 12 hour night shift in the ER on Saturday night, I get home, have coffee on the porch with Papi, read the paper, pet the dog. Finally get to sleep at about 10AM, all the while thinking, "What a beautifiul day outside." Well, that planted the seed that woke me up early. Instead of at least 6 hours of restful sleep, I have to survive with 4.5 hours. I hope we have another decent night tonight. Dr. Skittles, work your magic! That's OK.....I'll sleep tomorrow or the next day or when I'm dead.

No good ER stories, kids......just mundane stuff involving jaundice, Kayexelate, chest tubes and the consensus that we'd rather work at McDonald's pushing fries than be psych nurses. Oh, and we're trying to get a group together to take a stripper-pole exercise class in Key West. Just the girls, good fun, and a workout to boot. Plus we have 2 poles outside the ER where the ambulance entrance is (it holds up the canopy) so we can practice when we're not busy. You think we'll get any gawkers?

"HEY LOOK!! POLE-DANCING ER NURSES!!"

My co-workers are starting to read my blog. Thanks for all the positive comments. Sometimes it is easier to write than it is to talk to the dog. She loves me, but it's a lot of unconditional, supportive silence, punctured by the occasional yippy bark. Otherwise, not much feedback. This all started as a vent for a rocky adjustment to a new place, and it has blossomed into.....something more. The Chronicles of Mojitogirl.

On a different note, I've been speaking to other RN's and they touch upon the same topic: BURNOUT. Frankly, on a very human level, I truly feel bad for ANY person who does not find enjoyment, inspiration and wonder in their chosen profession. Yes, nursing is hard, but at the same time. there is SO MUCH LATITUDE. Don't like this specialty? Try another. Don't like working staff? Work agency. Hate the hospital scene? Work home health, school, hospice, office. Don't like your town? Go travel. Work days. Work nights. Work only weekends. Work bedside, or work office. Have the intestinal fortitude? Be a manager.

But burnout is like depression. You feel like you have no options. NO WAY OUT. That is what happens when you've done ONE thing for too long. You truly feel like the whole profession is going to be more of the same. It's not. Sometimes a mere change of scenery is the jump-start you need to keep things fresh. I am a great believer in not being unhappy, especially at work. You hate your job situation? CHANGE IT! Take matters into your own hands. Only you can effect change. Nobody's promising it will be easy, but you never know until you try.

And I want to send a great big HELLO to the staff in PACU at Halifax Medical Center in Daytona Beach. Ladies, you have no idea how much you are missed. Need I tell you again, you are a talented, compassionate bunch, as well as a great team. It was a privilege working with you all, and you are greatly missed. It was probably the most labor-intensive, critical acuity department I have ever worked, but the experience was unforgettable, as you all are. This also extends to the surgeons and the anesthesiologists. Dr. Harrington and Dr. Fabio, I miss your trauma train wrecks. Sharpies and dopplers just aren't the same without you! How have I managed to live without stab wounds, mangled bellies and fem-fem bypasses for all this time?

Please keep in touch, since it looks like I'm not going anywhere near home anytime soon. I keep a little piece of Volusia in my heart, and you are all there.

THE SAD STATE OF PUBLIC EDUCATION IN THE FLORIDA KEYS

My daughter is smart. REALLY SMART. She reads like crazy, always having a stack of books at bedside. She's curious, always eager to learn something new from whatever source. She's got a vocabulary to beat any college student. She's been in the Gifted program since first grade. So why is she failing?

Because she HATES her school, most of her teachers and the administrators who hound her like a criminal. Since DAY ONE, she was branded as a troublemaker. It all began with her purse. It was TOO BIG, in their opinion. Not a backpack, mind you, where you could put away books and toiletries, but a purse. Arbiters of fashion that they are, they decided her purse was unacceptable, and certain teachers would argue with her and refuse her admission into class unless she put it in her locker. They cited security issues. What, she's got an AK-47 in there? Don't they know the most lethal of weapons is in daily use in school anyway? IT'S A PENCIL.......nicely sharpened.

It all snowballed from there when I wouldn't back them up on it.

I can't believe that anyone, much less a teacher would waste precious academic time and alienate a student for stupidity like this. Not only did they diminish themselves in my eyes and hers, they soured her on the learning experience as well. And this is not the only occurrence, either. Having been a teacher myself, I know about the school grapevine among teachers. The gossip rolls, and suddenly every one of her teachers is on guard for the "bad student." She even quit the cheerleading squad over this.

I didn't just sit back. I fired off a strongly worded email to everyone from the teacher in question up the chain of command, including the superintendent of schools and the local newspaper. They repeatedly ignored my requests to be called at hours I'm awake, since I work nights. They insisted on calling me every day around 10am for weeks on end. I finally showed up at school and met with the administrators to tell them I'd be happy to call them at 3am every day for a month and see if they'd appreciate it.

They've stopped calling me because I told them, in very plain language, not to bother me with bullshit.

So now, I've got an angry kid on my hands who thinks school is stupid and has just given up, because she knows her teachers hate her no matter what. Mind you, she hasn't given up on learning. Still reads all the time. Still curious. Still very technologically savvy, more than me. Just burned out on school. She's got 4 weeks left.

Now put this in the proper context. This is a little school in the middle of the ocean, in the middle of nowhere. Not dangerous, not inner city. Not even big, since it encompasses K-8 with a little over 700 students. This is a PUBLIC SCHOOL in the Florida Keys. It's hot. It's tropical. You can't wear shorts or open shoes in this heat She has to wear a jacket most of the time because her shirts are sleeveless (DUHHHHH........It's 85 degrees outside!). They told her her pink streak in her hair is inappropriate. Inappropriate, MY ASS! I PUT IT THERE! Her best friend was sent home for wearing an open-toed shoe when she had an ingrown toenail and a closed-toe shoe would be painful to wear, despite a doctor's note. What, you prefer her to stay home and lose school time?

These people are UNBELIEVABLE!

YET.........Florida is an FCAT state. If you pass the FCAT exam, they cannot fail you and refuse to promote you. Dani has passed the FCAT with flying colors since grade 1.

I feel your pain. Hold on for 4 more weeks, kid. THEN YOU'RE OUTTA THERE.............and you can be back to being the happy teen I was getting used to!

I DON'T WANT TO BE NORMAL NO MORE...........

I've fought long and hard to maintain some semblance of normalcy. BE NORMAL. Not neurotic. Not flaky. Not dysfunctional. Not on medication. Just do the right thing. Not quirky. I realize that maybe I'm trying too hard. And the battle isn't worth winning because everyone else is CRAZY.

I've always harbored the secret thought that there are more crazy people walking around loose in the world than the ones that are locked up, in therapy, under control and functional. My job just reinforces this belief. I deal with more crazy people in a week than a psychiatrist. And they're OUT THERE......walking, talking, driving, living next to you, living their delusions and thinking that they're OK and you're not. So why am I trying so hard to hold on to an inkling of sanity?

If I join them, I can let loose as I please and people will say......."she's crazy" in hushed tones, and that will be that. Acceptance of the facts. I can be outrageous. No biggie. "She's crazy", "dont mess with her....."

The older I get the more I see people can't or won't or don't want to cope with the reality of the situation. It's easier to take Xanax or Seroquel or whatever the psychiatric  flavor of the month  is. It seems that the less coping skills you have, the better it is. Pill A will help you sleep. Pill B will help you deal. Pill C counteracts Pill A, but potentiates Pill B. Add some booze and it's a free-for-all.

I work for a living. This is my reality. I wasn't born a princess or a trustafarian.I can deal with that. Mind you, no matter how stressful the ER can be, I truly love my job. I have the responsibility of raising a family, tending to a husband, a child, some ill-mannered pets, 2 cars, a boat, a mortgage and a rental home. I take care of sick people, sometimes at the expense of my own health. I work at night and sleep in the daytime. I have friends I care for and sometimes worry about. I own a teenage girl.  That alone makes me a candidate for drug therapy.

I also clean house obsessively, dance the mambo by myself, talk to my dog like she's human and love wearing hats and shopping on Ebay. What pill do you take for that?

I can't afford the luxury of falling apart, even for a few hours. Nor do I want to. So what keeps my act together? Not drugs. Not booze. Not the eternal search for fun.  Not an eternal abiding faith in the powers UPSTAIRS. Maybe I'm just too busy to schedule a nervous breakdown. I don't know what keeps me together. Maybe it's the fact that I'm the control tower at this airport I call HOME. And if no one mans the tower, things just don't get done. I just know I'm keeping it real and while it's difficult sometimes when everyone around you is howling at the moon, it just gets done. Period. 

I've never been arrested. Never been to rehab. Never stalked anybody. Never broken a beer bottle over anyone's head. I've had my ups and downs in life but bouncing back seems to be the name of my game. I'm even learning to relax in MOM mode. I think that's progress. 

So if you can't beat them, you might as well join them right? HMMMMMM............I think I'll just be normal a little while longer. 

But I'll occasionally slip into the night, look at the sky and hoooooowwwwllllllllll................!!!