Monday, January 18, 2010
Alive and Posting
"I can either be part of the problem or part of the solution."
And so it goes. I believe I'm getting out of my little funk. I can't believe I've lost track of time and perspective the way I have. Life has been so crazy, so full of stress and loss, I haven't had the chance to look around me, to stop and smell the sea air, to revel in the fact that YES! I am alive! I live in Paradise (still) and I have a wonderful group of friends who love and support me. I must count my blessings in the face of all that has occurred, is occurring, ad nauseum.
The TeenQueen is doing well in Peru. Despite the fact she departed under less-than-stellar circumstances, she, too is slowly lifting out of her funk and moving on with her life without me. She's having fun, making friends, and supposedly staying out of trouble. Sometimes I even hear the voice of maturity in her words. She misses me and I miss her. She worries about me, which I hate, but I can't help appreciating her concern. I know it was the right decision for both of us and that one day, she will THANK me for the wonderful experience that was given her: living in a foreign country, mastering a new language, expanding her horizons and providing a little bit more structure than what I could give her now.
As for me, things are still up in the air. Only time and circumstance will tell what my final decision will be regarding staying in Paradise. I haven't made up my mind yet whether to stay or go. Never mind that I'm scheduled to start in 2 weeks, have a job, have settled into the house in Miami, and have finished my last full-time shift in Marathon. Things can be undone. Furniture can be moved back. Housing can be found. Jobs can be quit. I don't know anything for certain yet. I don't know which way the wind will blow right now, or next week. All I know is that I feel strong and resolute about other things in my life and I trust myself to make the right decision no matter what.
Work has kept me sane. It has given me a safe haven from all the madness. It keeps me entertained, surrounded by friends and co-workers who don't want me to leave, who keep asking me to stay and forget Miami. We are a tight little team. I've been working nights, just covering shifts for a co-worker who's out with health issues and I've loved it. I forgot how nice it is to work at night, when it's quiet and dark and cool and the streets are empty. It has helped me think and ponder and explore all my options.
I miss walking on the bridge. I miss hanging out at Tranquility Bay. Granted, we have suffering from the longest cold front that has probably ever hit the Keys and we have FROZEN our collective butts off here. Some days we didn't get out of the 50's and the nights were chilly and windy. It was miserable, and when it finally warmed up, it felt strange to walk outside and not feel the chill. My tan has faded, I want to go to the beach and lay out in the sunshine, and this is the week I will finally do so. Because I have nothing else to do. Only tan.......and think.
I can't thank my informal family of friends for reminding me to listen to my gut feelings and ask myself what I want. I can't be grateful enough for all my blessings, despite everything that has transgressed. You guys know who you are. I love you all. Thank you for your support and your advice and your care. It means the world to me to know that I can count on you, if only to vent a little bit.
I have also found comfort and support in the most unlikely of places. HB's parents have welcomed me with open arms and it's really nice to kind of belong to a family again. They are good people and they only want the best for their son, as do I. It just makes the loss of my father that more bearable.
And in the meantime, while events unfold and I ponder my future in Paradise, I chant the Serenity Prayer as a mantra. Because they are words to live by, no matter what life throws at you. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, whether it makes sense now or later or never. And I am not afraid.